TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully outside of location. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply All people a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the job, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting attention from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD might have switch-down services."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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